


What makes, or breaks, a brother

by comfortwriter28



Series: 13 reasons series [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 18:20:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17126396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comfortwriter28/pseuds/comfortwriter28
Summary: Clay demands that Justin explains why he was loyal to Bryce for so long. Justin does and Clay learns that the relationship between his roommate and his "brother" runs deeper than he ever thought.





	What makes, or breaks, a brother

Clay’s eyes snap open, the sound of Hannah’s “Welcome to tape 12” lingering in his mind fades into the background as a quiet “Jensen, wake up man” takes over the foreground. As his vision comes into focus he sees Justin kneeling next to his bed, pale blue eyes wide with concern and fear, his hand still on Clay’s shoulder which he’d been shaking. He sits up slowly and Justin watches looking maybe as scared as Clay feels.

“Are you- do you like, want to talk about it?”

Clay shakes his head violently; he doesn’t and especially not with Justin Foley of all people. Sure he may not be a total asshole but he was still friends with Bryce at one point and he-if Clay had killed Bryce maybe Hannah would be gone right now. In fact, if Clay had just shot him like he meant to, Hannah would have justice and she would be gone. 

“You don’t look to good Clay. Should I be worried? You got pretty crazy tonight. Do-do you want me to get your parents?” His voice is soft and gentle, and infuriating.

Suddenly he’s angry, angry at Hannah, Bryce, the school, the tapes, and very angry at Justin for stopping him before he could follow through with his plan. Why? It isn’t like Justin didn’t threaten to kill him for Jess before he ran away, unless...he rounds on Justin demanding, “Do you hate him?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone enough to kill them Clay. For Jess I would have but not cause I hated him.”

“Do you hate him?” He demands again, feeling blood rush to his face. Justin flinches and something about that makes Clay angrier, “You don’t do you? How could you not after everything he did to Hannah, Jess, everyone he’s come into contact with?” He’s yelling and he knows Justin hates yelling but he doesn't really care. He wants answers and Justin isn’t providing them fast enough. “Tell me!”

Finally Justin replies, his voice shaking, “Alright Clay, you want to know, I’ll tell you.” He moves away from the bed and takes a seat at the desk across from the bed and takes a deep breath before beginning, “You aren’t going to like what I say; actually you’re like, gunna to hate it.”

Clay opens his mouth to reply but Justin beats him to it, “You wanted to hear this Clay, so listen.” He waits a moment and when Clay doesn’t protest Justin starts speaking, “When I met Bryce he was in the fourth grade, I was in third. He sat with me for lunch and when I told him to get lost he stole another kids Twinkies so I could ‘trade’ him one for half his sandwich. It was the first meal I had that day and the only one. Things snowballed from there; we spent a lot of time together at school. It was nice I guess, I had a friend, one who fed me, didn’t judge me, and even helped me with homework sometimes. He invited me over once, gave me his address and everything; we hung out. It was fun and he was different from anyone else I’d ever met.”

“At the time my mom was seeing some junkie, I think his name was Rob or something like that. He wasn’t really bad for my mom’s taste, he was sort of like her, not usually there, like in the room physically but still not there. At least that’s what I thought until he thought I stole $100 from him. It-it was a Saturday morning and-”

_A moment ago he was sleeping, now he’s being held up by his arm and it hurts really bad._

_“-IS MY MONEY YOU LITTLE SHIT! I KNOW YOU TOOK IT I HAD $100 ON THE TABLE AND IT ISN’T THERE NOW WHERE IS IT!”_

_“I don’t know I didn’t take your money put me down it hurts!”_

_“YOU THINK THIS HURTS! I’LL SHOW YOU HURT IF YOU DON’TFUCKING TELL ME WHERE YOU PUT MY MONEY!”_

_“I didn’t-”_

_A roar of anger and he’s being taken out of the room and thrown on the floor in the living room. It hurts, but he doesn’t have a lot of time to think about that because a vicious kick connects with his side and he feels a yell rip out of his throat. More follow and he tries to crawl away but then a heavy foot is on his leg and he can’t move and calls for his mom hoping she’ll come and save him but not expecting her to. She hasn’t ever before._

_“-ISN’T GOING TO HELP A LITTLESHIT LIKE YOU! I SWEAR WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU YOU’LL NEVER THINK OF STEALING MY SHIT AGAIN!”_

_He knows he can’t just lay there, Rob isn’t stopping and Justin’s sides and back hurt. He isn’t strong enough to pull away from the man but with his free leg he manages to kick up and nails him in the crotch. He wishes he were stronger so the kick could hurt more but Rob falls anyway. He scrambles away and turns around to see the man hit his head on the coffee table, flipping it onto him. Rob moans and then goes silent and for a moment Justin wonders if he’s dead. He saw on TV that hitting your head too hard can kill but then he sees the paper that fell on Rob’s face move, he’s breathing and that means he’s alive, right?_

_He scrambles to his feet, thinking only of getting out before the man wakes up. He runs back to his room to grab his shoes and socks and then skirts around the living room. He keeps his eyes on Rob but spots a $100 bill under the edge of the old couch. He thinks maybe he should pull it out and place it where Rob can see it but then the man grunts and he blots, letting the door slam behind him._

“Well, once I got away I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t go back obviously, so I just started walking, all around town, and eventually I ended up at Bryce’s house, it was late afternoon I think and he hadn’t invited me over but I was tired and starting to get sore and-well I didn't want to be alone so I rang the bell.”

“A woman answered, she wasn’t impressed to see me, I guess a dirty, bruised runt isn’t too impressive but when I asked to see Bryce she called for him anyway. He, well he sounded annoyed at being called but when he saw me he like, motioned me in and told his mother we were going upstairs. He didn’t ask anything he just sort of sat with me until I calmed down and then brought up a few ice packs and helped me keep them where they needed to be. I think we played video games after that, he even let me win a few too, let me stay for dinner too.”

_“C’mon Justin it isn’t hard, the joystick moves, trigger on the back shoots, grenades are square.” Bryce explains for the third time after he dies horribly again._

_“Easy for someone who’s playing the game with both hands,” he snapped back._

_“No need to get all angry; you just need practice and I have no one else to play with so I need you to get good and give me a challenge. Hey keep that icepack there, if you don’t it’ll be worse tomorrow.”_

_He almost retorts nastily but then a warm hand is taking it from his cold one and pressing it gently against a particularly sore spot on his back he couldn’t reach. A content sigh makes its way out before he can stop it but Bryce ignores it in favor of saying, “I think we have some athletic tape around here from last baseball season. I’ll see if I can find it and then we won’t have to hold it at all.”_

_Bryce disappears for a moment and returns carrying it. A quick tape job later and ice packs cover all of the spots he couldn’t reach earlier._

_“Mom reminded me we’re eating soon. I want you to stay, will you?”_

_“I’m not hungry I don’t need your-” his stomach rumbles mid angry-sentence and Bryce gives him that knowing smile._

_“Well since you clearly aren’t I guess you can wait up here until I come back. Unless you change your mind of course, we still have a few minutes, you may get hungry before then. Besides it’s meatloaf and I hate meatloaf. If you eat some I’ll have to eat less.”_

_When Bryce walks down ten minutes later, he follows and sits where Bryce tells him too._

“It was...interesting. Nothing I did that meal was right, I messed up which fork to use when, I spilled the soda they gave me, I slurped the soup, it was a mess. The entire meal Bryce gave his mom and dad the evil eye, daring them so say what they were thinking while he talked to me about absolutely nothing. It was impressive, a ten year old challenging his parents to tell him no and winning. After dinner his dad offered to drive me home, Bryce just said I was staying the night and that was it. His parents didn’t even ask if mine were okay with it or anything, they just went with it. We stayed up late, played more video games, talked, it was easy. I felt safe and Bryce was so nice to me. When we got ready for bed, he let me use his shower and lent me clean clothes, and when I was all set to sleep on the floor he pulled me into his bed.”

_“Here put these on, I’ll get Melissa to throw your stuff in the wash. Oh actually, before that the shower is in here.”_

_“I don’t need-”_

_“It’ll help the bruises hurt less and clean out the cuts. Trust me, you’ll feel better.”_

_A few moments later he’s under a hot stream of water. It does feel really good and he only pulls himself out of it after Bryce knocked on the door and expressed a need to use the toilet._

_He emerges feeling better than he has in a long time, clean, dressed in a shirt and pants too big for him but also clean and softer than anything he’s ever worn and he hardly notices Bryce dart past him into the bathroom. He settles on the floor, stretched out at the foot of the bed, he hopes for a pillow and maybe a blanket but the carpet might be nicer than his bed so they really aren’t necessary. In fact he’s already dozing when Bryce starts talking._

_“You’re not sleeping on the floor Justy. Come up here the bed is big enough.”_

_He protests but Bryce is already hauling him up and it hurts the bruises but when he’s deposited on a bed that makes him need to rethink everything he’s ever known about comfort, so he can’t be too upset. Bryce joins a moment later and shuts the light off._

_He shivers for a moment and then feels the covers moving and suddenly a bit of warmth creeps near him. In the dim light he can make out Bryce’s silhouette, close enough that if he reached out he’s be able to touch the other boy, who’s back is to him. He smiles and snuggles down into the covers feeling warm, safe, and happy and if he wakes up tomorrow to find it all gone, at least he’s had tonight to enjoy it._

“Fourth grade was- it was awful. That summer my mom got pregnant.” For the first time since he started talking, Justin’s face changes. It was a strange mix, sad and happy, bittersweet maybe, is the most accurate word and longing for something. “She was so happy. She walked around the house and talked to the baby, sang to it, she talked to me too. Asked if I wanted a brother or sister what I thought of this name or that or what I would name a boy or a girl. She was so happy and I think I was too. Bruce, the father was...alright sorta. He responded to her enthusiasm like...enough? She was happy enough thinking he wanted the baby too and maybe he did but that summer she used even more than usual, on his urging.” 

_“What do you think of Lucy for a girl, Justin?” She wanders around the kitchen putting a few things in new places. Not really away because she moved clean dishes to the top of the refrigerator but she’s trying. She was singing before he came in and he’s never heard that before, it was nice, he was sad when she stopped but then she started talking to him and it was alright._

_“Hmm, I don’t know, if we name her Lucy won’t she turn out mean like the girl in the blue dress?”He’s teasing and when she laughs, he feels his face light up._

_“Maybe, I guess we can’t call her Sally then because you’re not quite Charlie Brown.”_

_“Maybe Peppermint Patty, that way no matter how she turns out, she’ll have a sweet name.”_

_Another delighted laugh comes out and she’s about to reply when Bruce enters, eyes rimmed red after a long night of a substance he didn’t recognize and didn’t try to hard to do so._

_“Bruce, Justin had a wonderful idea, if we have a girl we should name her Peppermint Patty so she’ll be sweet, or at least her name will be!”_

_Bruce chuckles, a low rumbling sound that reminded him of thunder and not in a bad way but maybe not in a good way either. “I like it but what if it’s a boy?”_

_His mom frowns and Justin can see her deep in thought, he opens his mouth to offer a suggestion when Bruce says, “Hey babe, listen I got some new stuff and it’s real good. Let’s let the kid go after breakfast and you and I can have some adult time.”_

_“Brucie! We had adult time yesterday,” And the day before, and two days before that but Justin doesn’t comment. “Really it isn’t good for the baby.”_

_“No, this stuff is fine and it’s not like we’re doing it a lot. C’mon babe, I’m just worried you’re stressing too much and that’s worse for the baby, we just need to take the edge off you a bit and this stuff will do the trick.” His voice shifts here to a low, husky tone, “Besides I love seeing you let loose.”_

_His mother giggles and agrees and he can’t help but wonder if Bruce is telling the truth._

“The first day of school she actually remembered to pack lunch for me, I had everything I needed for once, books, pencils, ya know all that shit, second hand but hey, I had them. It was a good day, as far as school went. But...when I came back I knew something was wrong. The door was open and there was an ambulance outside. As I got to the door first responders came out with a stretcher. Mom was on it, she looks pale and sad and when she looked at me...she didn’t see me. They kind of pushed me out of the way on their way to the ambulance. I was so scared, I didn’t know what was happening and finally a police officer seemed to realize I was there and eventually who I was but he didn’t know what to do with me since I was ‘too young’ to stay by myself and I didn’t have any family he could reach. Bruce wasn’t there either, we waited. Eventually I got the officer to drop me off with Bryce who’s mother let me stay.”

_“Son, are you-her kid?” The cop was a tall man, broad shoulders too and he couldn’t stop the sicken thought of what the man would be able to do if he got angry at him. He nods, lying usually makes his mom’s boyfriends angry._

_He’s surprised when the man gets down on his knees and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Oh son, I’m so sorry. Your mother had an accident. The baby didn’t make it and she has to go to the hospital for a little while. Do you have someone I can call, a father or grandparent?”_

_He just looks at the man, why should he care that his mom was in a bad place? He shakes his head and then thinks before replying, “Bruce will be back soon.”_

_“Bruce? Is he a brother or a cousin?” There’s an odd tone to the man’s voice but Justin can’t place it. It sounds a little like concern but he doubts it._

_“He’s Mom’s boyfriend.” Maybe Bruce is at the hospital with Mom?_

_“And does he stay with you regularly?”_

_“He lives here.”_

_“Okay, when will he get back?”_

_“I don’t know, he’s usually here when I get back from school.”_

_“Alright kid, I’ll tell you what. How about you and I wait here together till he gets back? Would you like that?” His voice is soft and gentle, like Bryce’s dad’s was the time Bryce broke his arm last year during football. Justin only nods. He wants the man to leave but he can’t tell him that, he seems calm now and making him angry is a bad idea. They sit out in the cop car, AC turn on and radio up. The man sings along to the songs and Justin sort of smiles and closes his eyes._

_Hours pass and Bruce doesn’t come. The cops radio has gone off several times asking him where he is and when he thinks he’ll be free. He isn’t angry yet, but he’s agitated, Justin can recognize that easy enough. After the fifth or sixth call he turns to face him and asks kindly but with some strain, “You have no idea when Bruce is coming?”_

_Justin shakes his head again, he wants this to be done, wants the cop gone and now before he gets angry. “It really isn’t a problem, I can just stay here and you can get back to work. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”_

_He can feel his panic rising as the man heaves a frustrated, and weary, sigh. “I can’t leave you alone, you’re too young. Is there anyone you can think of that can take you?”_

_“Bryce.” It slips out before he can really say anything. Bryce had mentioned in school that day that his parents were home for a while preparing for something work related so it should be fine right? Besides...Bryce will make things better and he really wants to see him._

_“Who’s Bryce?” It comes out a little desperate and a little hopeful and Justin has the feeling this cop wants to be rid of him as much as he wants to rid of the cop._

_“He’s a friend from school.” He pauses and then adds, “I stay with him and his parents a lot. They live in the big house at the bottom of Vons Hill.”_

_Suddenly the man lights up, “The Walkers? You’re a friend of the Walkers? Why didn’t you say so Justin, I can get you there!” He seems happy and Justin thinks it’s best not to mention that he isn’t technically friends with the family, only Bryce, and that Mr. and Mrs. Walker probably hate him, but he really wants to see Bryce, and be rid of this cop, and see Bryce._

_The man throws on his sirens, tells Justin to buckle up and calls dispatch before cheerfully, almost too cheerfully, telling Justin all about the donations the Walkers have made to the force and what wonderful people they are. Justin half listens as he watches Crestmont roll by. When they reach the house the officer walks him to the door and rings the bell. Bryce’s mom answers and calls for Bryce when the officer asks to speak to her privately. Bryce brings him in and they wait in the vestibule until Mrs.Walker and the cop come in. The man kneels down and places a hand on his shoulder and says, “I’ve got to go son, you be good for these people, remember friendship is an important thing. If you need me,for anything, come to the station and ask for officer Smith. Someone’ll find me.”_

“I don’t remember much of the day after that. I know Bryce was there and I know he talked to me kindly but I don’t know what he said. The next thing I remember was dinner the day after, maybe two days after. Bryce’s dad was home and he wasn’t happy to see me. I remember he asked a bunch of questions about my parents, who they were, where they worked, what they did, how they supported themselves. I knew he hated me and I knew Bryce was furious and I knew his dad was reaching that point so when Bryce told me to go upstairs and wait in his room for him before dessert I did. I didn’t make it to the stairs before his dad blew up.” 

“He just kept saying that I was below Bryce, I was poor, I had no future, my mom was a dead beat, my dad was probably dead or else was smart enough to get out while he could. He said I was going to be exactly like them, a deadbeat parasite on society and I would drag Bryce down with me. Of course Bryce blew up too and yelled back that just cause I wasn’t like them didn’t mean I was beneath them and that- and that I was his best friend. That even if I wasn’t refined like them I was still a better friend than any of his dad’s coworker’s children or the children of his mom’s lady friends and that if he were around at all they might know that.”

_He walked as quick as he could but once the door to the dining room closed he started hearing the yelling. “Bryce Barry Walker you will not continue to associate with that-that **boy** , he is not good for you. Did you hear what he said. Mom doesn’t work, Dad ran off, either he was smart enough to get away from those two or he’s dead somewhere from drugs.”_

_He reached the stairs, had his foot on the bottom one but found he couldn’t move the other. He didn’t want to hear this but he also couldn’t not. And- and anyway that wasn’t true right? His dad had wanted him hadn’t he? He only left because-because?_

_“And he’ll be just the same, an addict like his parents, he has no future and he will only burden you; he is below you. Am I clear? I do not want to see him ever again, him or any of his kind. They are parasites, all of them, they don’t pay taxes but they collect money from government to feed their addictions and bring everyone down into the mire with them!”_

_He felt sick, he wasn’t like that right, and he wouldn’t be? He wouldn’t become like his mom or her boyfriends, he’d be good and successful and make a lot of money...besides...Bryce loved him, loved having him around, he didn’t bring Bryce down. Did he? He hears Bryce’s voice reply and waits holding his breath to hear what he has to say._

_“Like you would know what he’s like! You’ve always hated him and you’ve only met him three times! If you knew anything, if you spent any time at all here you’d know Justin like I do! He’s great friend, better than any of the ones you or mom have tried to set me up with between your associates and her friends! But you don’t look past what he wears and how he talks. He may not be be rich like us but that doesn't mean you can treat him like this!”_

_Hope, he was loved. Maybe Bryce didn’t use that word but that’s what he meant. The breath releases and he moves up the next stair but then hears Mr. Walker speak again and once more he’s rooted to the spot._

_“You will not take that tone with me. You heard why he’s here. His mother miscarried a baby because she couldn’t stop using drugs for nine measly months! Good thing she did so too because the baby would have been defective and we taxpayers would have had to care for it. In fact if only she had miscarried him too, then we wouldn’t even be here!”_

_He can feel tears stinging his eyes and he wants the yelling to end and he wants to be alive, not like his almost brother or sister who he’ll never meet, who made his mom so much happier than he ever did. Maybe that’s why? Maybe this new child wouldn’t have been a parasite or whatever he was. Maybe that’s why she had been so happy, to have a child that wasn’t a disappointment. He rushes up the stairs but can still hear the yelling, into Bruce’s room but the noise still caries “stinks”, “worthless”, “better off without him”, “addict”, “addict”, “addict”, and he can’t make it stop he looks around the room wildly before finding the closet door. He pulls it open and crawls it. Its big but there’s a lot in it and he can only really sit down and close the door, which he does and draws his knees up to his chest and he can still hear some of the words, “trash”, “uncouth”, “mistake”, but they’re quieter and he can almost, almost not hear them._

_It doesn’t get better. Actually it only gets worse. He tries to keep his breathing slow and steady like Bryce tells him but it doesn’t work. They come in too quick, too short and he can feel the fear clawing at his stomach. He can still hear the yelling from down stairs and he can hear something break and the yelling get worse and he’s trying to breath like Bryce taught him but he can’t and it’s getting worse and everything is a mess and he’s the problem and Bryce might be getting hit now because of him and he doesn't want that for Bryce, he doesn’t deserve that and he’d hate him for causing this and-_

_The door opens suddenly pair of arms are around him and his being pulled gently against a warm chest and he can hear Bryce talking._

_“Aw Justy my dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You’re none of those awful things he called you, trust me I know you, he doesn’t.”_

_The words wash over him and so does the smell, a mixture of body wash and shampoo and the unique smell that belongs wholly to Bryce and that has always meant comfort and safety and love. He’s still crying but it’s better, Bryce is there and Bryce doesn’t hate him and as he pulls away a little, Bryce isn’t hurt. He opens his mouth but Bryce says easily, “A plate got dropped in the fight.”_

_That’s all he needs to hear as he leans back against the other boy._

“I-I don’t know how long it continued only that I hid in Bryce’s closet until he found me. I don’t know if I was like crying or panicing, maybe both, but I do remember he held me for the first time, and the only time, but-but it was what I needed. He-he didn’t call me baby or mock me he just hugged me like-like I was actually worth something. I can still remember exactly how it felt, how he smelled, what he said...I think for years after, every time I saw Bryce I saw him as he was then. As the only person in the world who loved me, and maybe the only person I really loved.” By now tears silently made their way down his face and Clay couldn’t tell if he was crying for himself, Bryce, the little boys that they used to be or something else entirely.”

“After I was finally done crying he told me his dad was kicking me out and he couldn’t change the man’s mind. It’s kind of sick-that as long as Bryce’s been alive I think I’m the only thing they ever refused him. Anyway, he told me he was going to see me out but to sneak back in the side gate and meet him in the backyard in ten minutes. That was the first night I stayed in the pool house. Of course when mom got out of the hospital she needed me around to take care of her and it was bad so I didn’t really see Bryce much outside of school for a long time.”

_When he had visited her in the hospital she hadn’t really known who he was but he tried not to let that bother him since it was pretty normal for her when she had something in her. Today though she was coming home and he had met her at the hospital, the Walkers, well Mrs Walker at least, had arranged a cab to pick them up from the hospital to bring them home. He hadn’t been back since the day his mom had gone to the hospital and he really wasn’t looking forward to it. But she needed him there, the doctor and nurses were happy to get rid of her and gave her instructions but he could tell his mom wasn’t really paying attention. He was though, medicine twice a day, drink lots of fluids and be ready to stomach pains. They didn’t say no drugs but he had a feeling it was implied._

_They got back and he settled her into bed and got her as comfortable as possible. The rest of the day passed in a haze. Nothing really happened. She woke up a few times and he had her drink and eat later, although all they had were some slightly stale crackers, and take her meds. The next morning was the same except-she wanted Bruce. She didn’t seem to recognize him all she repeated over and over was “I have to tell Bruce, we lost our baby.”_

_He hadn’t seen the man since before the hospital and tried to convince her to forget him and she had him and didn’t need Bruce._

_“Who are you?”_

_It might have broken something in him but he didn’t cry...not in front of her at least. He did leave the room though after she settled down. He left later to get food and when he came back she was wander the house looking for something. It wasn’t hard to guess drugs and he doubted she had any in particular in mind, she just wanted to get high. He managed to get her back to bed but it continued for days after. Only after almost three or four daysdid she finally seem to remember everything but he couldn’t be too sure because she rubbed her stomach like she remembered the baby but made no mention of anything until she said one night, “I wish Peppermint Patty were here, then everything would be okay.”_

_He cried again that night after she went to bed and wished she had never gotten pregnant and none of this happened. Within the next week she had a new boyfriend and everything return to normal._

“When I was in sixth grade he called me brother for the first time. It was-it was after I realized for the first time that my mom-didn’t love me, or want me. Not really at least, no matter what she might say on the rare occasion when she was sober. It-I- He didn’t ask me anything when I came, I guess he never did really but that was okay. His parents were out but by this point I rarely stepped foot in his house so we went out to the pool house. We just sat and he talked about nothing for a while. It was good, I needed the background noise. After a while I guess I like, got my shit together? Bryce ordered dinner for us and we talked for a while, played video games, before he went to bed he put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me- a real smile, warm and kind and approving, and he said ‘I’m proud of you brother, you’re going to be fine’ and I dunno I guess I like felt proud? No, I was happy, happier than I’d ever been. I felt like I really belonged, Bryce was proud of me and loved me enough to call me ‘brother’ and that night, that moment, was one of the best of my life for a long time ‘nd I can’t tell you how right it felt.

_It’s dark when he gets there but Bryce answers the door and lets him into the back. They sit in the pool house together, the TV on as background. He tries not to remember any of it but it’s so hard when all he can hear on repeat are the hollow, desolate words, “Why was I cursed with a child, why this one? What did I ever do to deserve this, why didn’t I leave like **he** did?” He thinks he sniffs a few times but Bryce doesn’t comment, a box of tissues is placed within easy reach but he’s determined not to use them. He doesn’t want to cry for that woman, but he can’t help it. He realizes that Bryce is talking, the voice that always meant to much to him coming through the haze and he latches onto the words. Sports, baseball first, then football. It means nothing to him but he thinks it’s statistics and strategies. It doesn’t matter he focuses on it until he could breathe normally again. _

_Bryce leaves to make a call and returns to turn on the Xbox and pass a controller to him. They play and talk until the food comes. After finishing it’s more of the same and he can handle that. Bryce announces he was going to bed and turns off the TV and game system. On his way out he pauses by the couch and clasps a hand on his shoulder._

_“I proud of you brother, I don’t know what happened but you’re going to be fine.” A moment later he hears the door close but it hardly registers, he’s happy he never had a sister, Peppermint Patty would have been a mistake, but a brother, an older brother? Someone to protect him and love him and accept him? His heart hurts as he processes all of implications. A good hurt, an ache, a longing really for everything that could be, fills him. Endless possibilities fly through his mind and he falls asleep in an euphoric state that night._

“I think in that moment, and for a long time after, I loved him. I think he loved me too, at some point. No, I know he did, and when I close my eyes I can see that smile and hear those words. So when you ask me if I hate him-I think I’m too much of a coward to hate him. I loved him too much and I don’t anymore I promise-but I can’t hate him.”

Justin takes a breath, bordering on a sob, and he’s still sitting on the desk chair and looks as sad and lost and broken as Clay’s ever seen him. Tense and shaking and looking so different from the devil-may-care jock Hannah fell for, the one that started the process that led to her suicide, the one who spread rumors about him and then threatened him about the tapes; and Clay thinks if he turns his head to the left a little, he’ll see her standing by the couch watching and crying. Justin’s still shaking, violently and with a sickening feeling Clay realizes Justin is ready for retribution, for Clay’s anger and all of the fight leaves him then and there.

He motions for Justin to come over and when he stands by the bed, Clay pulls him down and hugs him. Justin tenses, Clay does too, a little, he’s never done this before, least of all with Justin Foley of all people. He’s never provided comfort before but he forces his muscles to loosen and adjusts his arms carefully, one around Justin’s back and the other on the back of his head which is now against Clay’s chest. He can feel his shirt getting wet and hot and it’s gross but he doesn’t say anything and just sort of rocks them back and forth while Justin crys. He holds the other boy until he’s only sniffling now and again and he hates himself for what he does next but he still does it.

“What changed?”

He feels Justin stiffen in his arms and a slight tremor run through him and then a muffled speaking against his chest. He can’t hear it but Justin seems to know that because he shifts and moves away on his own and Clay can see in his eyes and on his face that he’s reluctant to forfeit that embrace and equally reluctant to continue but he does and Clay can’t help but feel impressed and maybe a little...proud of Justin? The thought rubs him the wrong way and he tries to repress it. 

“Well...it was sort of like a long process. His parents-well things with them had continued as they had. They grew more distant and Bryce became obsessed for a few years with getting revenge on them for leaving him. He ruined dinner parties, made a mess of the house while they were gone, fought with them unendingly while they were home, and he flaunted me every opportunity he got. He cleaned up his act after maybe three years but for a while they fought a lot. Hard to imagine, he and his dad are really close now.”

“I think it was high school. My eighth grade year, his freshman year, was the start of change. He became distant from me. I was still always welcome but I was no longer…. It was different, suddenly I was an outsider in a world of high school athletes, a scrawny kid hanging onto Bryce’s shirt sleeves. It didn’t go unnoticed especially by Monty who never really liked me since I wasn’t on the baseball team. The others didn’t make an issue of me being there but that’s cause they tended to ignore me.”

_“Walker, why’s the baby here again?”_

_He hated the speaker, he thinks the right name for this face is Monty but honestly it’s only his third time seeing them all and names haven’t sunk in yet._

_“If you have a problem with him Monty, why don’t you host?” It isn’t Bryce who responds, it’s another kid, Jeff. He remembers Jeff because last time Monty made fun of him, Jeff spoke up too. He tries to be happy someone is and not let it hurt that the person on his side is a stranger and not Bryce. Really it’s just selfish._

_He yells at the original speaker, he doesn’t need anyone to defend him...it just feels nice when Bryce does._

“Bryce was already a rising star on the team and between that and his money he landed himself a stream of girlfriends. I hated them. All of them. Bryce spent far more time with them than me that year and he was different around them, all of them were, the team I mean, around girls they were weird. By October Bryce had lost his virginity. I know cause I remember hiding out there before Thanksgiving and him telling me about it. He moved on after her to several others and it only got worse, there were times I’d see him and all he’d talk about was girls and sex. It was miserable but I thought that when I got to Liberty, I’d be able to do the same, then I’d really fit in, I’d win Bryce back.”

_“I’m telling you dude, it’s a rush like no other. She was so tight and she moaned and it was so hot. Damn I could have gone all day except she started complaining it hurt. Can you believe the nerve? It’s like she was so stupid she couldn’t appreciate that **I** was the one balls deep in her. All she could think about was how I was too big or some shit, not a thought at all for my needs. You listening Justy?”_

_“Yeah of course. Um Bryce?” He waited but Bryce kept silent so he guessed that mean to continue. “If she didn’t want it maybe it was time to stop.”_

_Bryce turns with a furious look and Justin quickly backtracks and starts talking again before Bryce can. “I mean, what’s so great about sex? It seems you do it a lot but you never have enough. Isn’t it sort of pointless?”_

_A chuckle and he feels a little relieved. Bryce isn’t angry with him anymore._

_“Aww Justy, that so cute. ‘What so great about sex’? Don’t worry I’ll get you laid and then you’ll know but first we have to get you ready for the baseball team, have you been your practice swings each day?”_

_No, the bat Bryce had loaned him was missing and he wasn’t exactly upset; it was one less thing he had to hide from Dan. Baseball may have Bryce’s love but he hated it. He wasn’t any good with it either, maybe that’s why he hated it._

_“I have, do I need to be on the team to get laid?”_

_“No, but girls love a guy in uniform so it’s easier.”_

_“I didn’t think you cared about what they liked?” He hates himself for not understanding something that is obviously an easy concept for Bryce but it really didn’t make any sense to him._

_“No Justin,” Bryce is speaking slow now like he’s stupid but then again, maybe he is, “during sex you’re the only one who matters but to get to sex you have to do what she wants or be what she likes.”_

_“And ‘she’ likes uniforms?” He’s pushing his luck, this isn’t the first time Bryce has explained this all but he still doesn’t get it. Obviously Bryce doesn’t understand how he doesn’t understand because a frustrated sigh comes out. He hates it, knowing he’s the cause of Bryce’s anger. It’s funny when it’s Monty or someone else but when he does it...he feels dirty. Bryce like, opened his house to him and gave him everything but here he is messing up._

_“Yes Justin, among other things girls like guys in a uniform, just trust me you need to get on the team.”_

“The only problem was I couldn’t play baseball, and was too small for football. This was solved when I met Willem who played on the baseball team that year but his true love was always basketball. He even convinced them to play a game once and that was the first time I ever played. I was hooked and Willem knew I was good when he saw me, encouraged me to try out for the basketball team when I came to Liberty.” 

_He is tired, sweaty, and panting but he hasn’t felt this alive in a long time, maybe never. Willem claps him on the back after he sinks another ball and Bryce gives him an approving nod from down the court. The game is almost over and the next points win. Willem passes to Marky who clumsily passes to him. Monty comes after him like a demon, he could be one, and Justin flees, dribbles down court to the net. Monty tries everything he can but fails. Justin in close, he throws the ball up and just after it leaves his hand, a body plows into him. He lands hard on the pavement and stinging lets him know he’s cut his hands, back, and legs but the ball goes in and he feels amazing._

_He can hear Jeff inform Monty he’s an asshole as he hauls Justin to his feet. Bryce and a few other express disgust at the other boy but nothing serious, more like mild annoyance at his actions. Willem calls a congratulations out from the other side of the court and his team breaks out in a cheer for him, even Jeff who was on the other team tells him he was amazing._

_Later Willem catches him before leaving. “You’ve really never played basketball before?”_

_“No, not like out of gym class or whatever.” He isn’t sure where this is going but Willem is one of the better people here, he isn't Bryce, or even Jeff, but he also isn’t Monty._

_“Look you played great and I’ll be honest with you the Tigers are going to need players, we have a lot of seniors who are leaving and that means a lot of holes to fill. I think you should try out. You have a great shot at making it.”_

_He’s floored. Sure he had fun but he thought the reason he was doing so well was cause most of the other people playing didn’t play on the basketball team. “Yeah-yeah sure I’ll think about it.”_

_“Good I’ll be looking forward to seeing you next year Foley.” A hand claps on his back and he watches the retreating back of his ticket to the future._

“Suddenly, everything was better. I’d be able to join the basketball team, be a jock, get girls, and I’d finally be able to get Bryce’s attention back, I’d be one of the guys again, one of his ‘brothers’. And it wouldn’t be the same, I’d only be one of a few but...I told myself it would be enough.”

“It was too, freshman year was-one of the best. I made the team, we did well that year too. I met Zach and between him and Bryce, I now had two friends. I got popular too...you know how I did that.” He speaks softly and Clay remembers how terrible his freshman year was. All of the accusations of being gay and he remembers Justin standing by and laughing while a few of the other jocks taunted him. He hated Justin at the time but now it seems...somehow less important. Justin was an ass to him then but he’s different now. He reaches out and pats his arm. Justin looks up from his lap. His eyes were rimmed red and Clay can see how much this story is messing him up. He almost tells Justin he doesn’t need to hear anymore but Justin is already speaking again. 

“There were a lot of other things too, I slept with a girl for the first time, did weed and drank, I was on a team now so it was expected…”

_“Alright Justin just put the soda over there. Hey bro come over here.”_

_He joins Bryce at one of the food tables._

_“Listen this is your first party on the team so you need to make a good impression. Willem already likes you and that’s good but now you have to win the others. It won’t be hard but I’ve taken care of a few things. First, you’re going to smoke a little, it’ll take the edge off anyway, you had a rough week. You’re also going to drink. Two or three beers should be a good start we’ll go from there. Also, you need to get laid. Don’t worry, I heard Samantha Cruz is going to be here and I’ve taken the liberty of setting her up with you. She isn’t great but hey, everyone has used her at some point so you’ll be Eskimo brothers with all your brothers. After all what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.”_

_“Do I really have to?”_

_“Yeah, dude you’re on the basketball team and that’s good but now you need to make them see you’re one of them. Trust me, I know you and I want them to know you too.”_

_He wants to protest. Wouldn’t they have to know him sober? People act different after taking things and anyway after his mom and all her boyfriends he didn’t really want to smoke or drink, but then he caught Bryce’s face and thought better. He didn’t really want Samantha either but he doubted now was the time to bring it up. Instead he forced a smile and thanked Bryce who nodded approvingly. He made an excuse and slipped away, he’d just avoid the stuff later._

_Bryce must have caught onto his plan because he appeared in the middle of the floor at the height of the party and called Justin front and center, along with Zach, and the other freshmen, to join him and had them pass around a blunt followed by something with a lot of alcohol in a cup that tasted awful and burned on the way down. Bryce stands behind him with a hand on his shoulder and making a speech about the bonds of brotherhood and the hopes riding on the shoulders of the freshmen. Refills are forced on the freshmen at Bryce’s behest and Justin needs only to look at him to know refusing is not an option._

_As soon they can, most of the freshmen slink away, Justin included. He doesn’t feel especially well and if Bryce holds him to it, he’s got one more event of the night. He hopes to make himself scarce but hiding from the person who owns the house isn’t easy, especially not when that person knows him as well as Bryce does. He finds himself in a room with a tall blonde with large breasts. Attractive yes, but he doesn't even know her, much less want to lose his virginity with her._

_Not too much later they’re both naked and busy but she’s bored, he can see it in her eyes. They finish, he has to, Bryce won’t take no for an answer. But as she buttons up her shirt he can’t help but feel sick to his stomach. “Did you-”_

_“Listen, Bryce asked me to do him a favor. I did it, now you’re in, end of story.”_

_She leaves but he stays until Bryce comes up to find him. “Hey brother, didn’t I tell you? Most amazing thing you’ve experienced or what...Justin...Justy?”_

_He forces himself back,”Yeah totally I-I just can’t believe.”_

_Bryce laughs and brings him downstairs. Most of the people have left, only a few members of the baseball team are hanging around. When he comes into the room, they start cheering, clapping and whistling. Bryce quiets them and Justin just wants to slip away but then Bryce and the others start pressing him for details._

_“It was good.” He forces out with the best smile he can manage._

_“Good? Are you not a man? Sex is only ‘good’, what the hell Foley?” Monty of course, always helpful._

_“Hey, hey c’mon Monty after your first time you couldn’t even talk.”_

_A couple of chuckles come from the remaining people._

_“Seriously though, how was it?”_

_“It was good, it...”_

_“Yes?”_

_“It might have been better if she was more...into it? She didn’t really look like she was having a good time.”_

_The room goes silent and he thinks maybe he said something wrong but then Bryce laughs and a few others join in. He gets a clap on the back and Bryce says, “Our little Justy, a saint who cares about the woman during sex.”_

_He thinks he said something wrong but he doesn’t really care. Next time he has sex he’s going to do it with someone who wants to, not someone doing a favor for his best friend. And he’ll do it again. It was good, like really good, he just thinks it could have been better._

“Anyway, point is, I was back and not as Bryce’s annoying tag along but as one of the guys, as much as basketball boy could be with the baseball team. All of the guys who previously ignored me...well they didn’t exactly like me but we got along and that was enough. I think maybe looking back, like the reason I always felt like an outsider was cause the two teams were different. You know what the baseball team was like but Coach, well he wasn’t like Coach Rick, the basketball team never had that kind of culture. I always wondered why the baseball team seemed so much closer but I think I know why now and...well I’m glad we weren’t that close if that was the cost or whatever.”

“Anyway the summer between sophomore year and junior year was, like the worst. It was when my mom started dating Seth, for the first time. I-I didn’t get out much that summer, only a few times and I just tried to pretend during them that nothing was wrong so I could enjoy them. Seth had been arrested for possession and couldn’t post bail and my mom was too high to really notice...anything? Or just anything other than his absence so I just left. I needed- I needed to see Bryce, and Zach, and everyone else, but mostly Bryce, after not seeing them for most of the summer so I went to his house and well it wasn’t what I wanted.” 

“Bryce was getting ready for a party, not a big one, just one for the baseball team and their girlfriends and a few other people. He let me in of course, he had a rule that any party he threw I was invited to. So when I showed up he thought I heard about it and was there to help set up or whatever. I guess he got a better look at me and told me I was welcome to stay but I should probably go clean up. I-felt sick I almost called after him but I couldn’t. I was too afraid that he- well he had already changed. That night was bad. All I wanted was Bryce’s attention his reassurance that- but he was busy with his date or whatever. He was busy with the team too, Zach-well Zach’s summer was as bad as mine, probably worse, and Bryce was reassuring him he still had brothers on the team to look out for him. He spent time with the rest of them too, talking girls and strategies and plans for the year. I guess I must have been sulking or something cause Bryce came over and told me if I wasn’t in a party mood I didn’t need to stay. ”

_“Justy! Haven’t seen you in a while, came here to get fucked up? You’ve got great timing I need some help setting up beach chairs by the pool think you can handle that?”_

_He opens his mouth but Bryce starts frowning and leans closer to look at him._

_“Shit bro, you alright?”_

_“Yeah I just wanted to come see you.”_

_He thinks maybe he sounds a little pathetic but Bryce says nothing about it and instead replies, “Well my door’s always open to you but um, you may want to use the shower if you’re going to stay. Should be a big night, team is coming over and bringing their girls. Listen I’ve got some stuff to take care of, if you need something to wear you know where to find it.”_

_With that Bryce turns and lets him into the house and is down the hall. He opens his mouth, he just wants Bryce to come and...and do what? Hold him like he did that one time? Kiss his booboos and make them go away? Talk to him and make him feel better? He heads up the stairs feeling just as alone as when he left his house to come here, only this time it’s accompanied by the horrible feeling that nothing is going to get better._

_Later that night he he was sitting in the pool house off to the side of the main party. He’s had a few drinks and smoked quite a bit of weed. He’d hoped that between them he would feel better, or at least less empty, but that hasn’t worked. If anything he feels worse, more lonley and more hopeless._

_He notices Bryce coming over and for a moment his heart soars. Just a few minutes and he’ll be fine, the terrible memories of the summer won’t matter with Bryce around._

_“Hey, Justy, listen. I know I say my door is always open, I mean it, what’s mine is yours and all that but, well you’re kind of killing the mood. I need to see that Foley smile or you know...well I can’t have one of **my** parties ruined. You understand, reputation and all that.”_

_The hopeful feeling is crushed in an instant and he opens his mouth to excuse himself, he’ll, well he doesn't really have another plan, he’s never exactly need a backup for Bryce. He can’t go back but well maybe-_

_“Justin, Bryce.” Zach now looms over them looking maybe a little better than Justin feels and he offers a tiny smile to Justin._

_“Zachy, how are you doing? Need anything? I got you brother, whatever it is just say the word.”_

_The sincerity in Bryce’s voice hurts, like being punched in the gut. He-he wants that and for a moment anger flares up in him at Zach who has gotten exactly what he wants without even trying. The anger goes cold though when his other friend starts talking._

_“Thanks Bryce, I-I think I want someone to be miserable with and Justin here seems to be volunteering for that.”_

_Bryce seems taken aback, “Sure, sure if that’s what you want have at it.” A moment later there was only two of them._

“It-his message was like perk up or get out but Zach kind of saved me and we sort of spent the rest of the night together- being miserable but also pretending we weren’t.” A fond, but bittersweet smile came over his face when he started talking about Zach and it reminds Clay that at one point, Justin and Zach were very close.

_Zach takes a seat next to him. “It’s been a while Justin, I missed you this summer.” His voice is friendly, no accusation for disappearing for three months, three months when Zach needed his friends around him more than ever, just a genuine desire to catch up._

_It’s a hell of an admission from Zach and he-well the night doesn’t look as lonely as it did a few minutes ago._

_“Yeah, yeah I did too. Hey, how did it go, with the girl you asked about the last time we saw each other?”_

_Zach’s smile falters for a second and Justin shifts onto his knees to look at him. “Oh shit man I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-I’m sorry I thought it was good advice”_

_A forced chuckle, “It wasn’t that Justin, the sex was amazing, for both of us, you were right.”_

_“Oh, oh good but then?” A breakup? Who would break up with Zach? Not only was he probably the nicest jock in the school, he’s secure enough in his sexuality to admit his friend was handsome. Who would give that up?_

_“It just didn’t work out. I loved her but-I couldn’t tell her that and I missed my opportunity.” Zach looks sad and after losing a parent earlier that summer, well more sadness seemed cruel. Justin feels himself getting angry at this girl for hurting Zach while he’s down, who could be that selfish? He pushes that down though and tries to offer more helpful advice._

_“Are you sure? I mean, try talking to her, tell her how you feel, how much she means to you. Ya never know, she may feel the same way. Sometimes girls just want to hear you say it first.” He can tell by the grimace that he said the wrong thing and he tries to think of the right thing to say but Zach just smiles at him sadly._

_“No, maybe if I had sooner but-I made my choice and it was the wrong one. Now I have to live with it.”_

_Something Zach’s voice convinces him to leave it. He reaches out and grabs the other boy’s hand. He isn’t usually physically affectionate with, well anyone but his girlfriends lately but Zach looks like he needs it and the sad smile that creeps up on the other’s face makes him think he did the right thing. He feels a little better too. He rubs his thumb over Zach’s knuckles for a few moments before his friend pulls his hand away. He thinks maybe he crossed a line but then Zach loops an arm over his shoulders and pulls Justin against his side._

_It’s nice, the warmth, the contact, Zach must agree cause they sit there in silence for a few minutes, each lost in miserable thoughts but somehow happy to not be alone._

_“I’m sorry. I wanted to be with you, when they-” He can’t say ‘put you dad in the dirt’ or even ‘funeral’ so he just continues and hopes Zach understands, “And your mom even if she doesn’t like and, and May. But I was a mess that day and it didn’t seem right to come. I’m sorry.” It sounds lame, even to his own ears but his face resembles like a raw hamburger and it might have looked better than the rest of him. Actually he hadn’t been able to get out of bed, the pain and nausea had been too intense, dizziness hadn’t helped either._

_He feels Zach shift a little to sort of wrap his other arm around him and it occurs to him that they are basically cuddling at this point but he needs this, and maybe Zach does too because he squeezes a little tighter and a day ago his bruises would have protested but they don’t now._

_“May missed you. She asked where JuJu was but I told her you were really sick and didn’t want the rest of us to catch it. I missed you too but I knew if you weren’t there something pretty serious must have come up. I wanted to go over and check on you but I couldn’t leave Mom and May.”_

_“Naw man, family first. I get it.” He didn’t really except that May was cute and acted like seeing ‘JuJu’ was the highlight of the week. Of course she called him that to annoy him but still seeing her, and how happy she was all the time, always made him feel better. Seeing May had become one of the biggest draws of the Dempsey residence. If he were her brother, he didn’t think he’d leave her for anything either. It made him wonder about Peppermint Patty, who never got to live and if maybe he was wrong about a little sister but he desperately tried to crush that thought anytime it came up. Still...Zach teased him gently that he spoiled May rotten when he came over with candy and whatever she wanted to do._

_“How-how are you?You looked pretty good that day in Bryce’s pool but…”_

_During the course of the basketball season, Zach not finding out about his mom and-well everything, had been impossible. In fact he got busted the second month by the Asian boy but had received no judgement. Instead Zach had helped him hid it from Coach, and helped him in so many other ways with it. The result had been Zach seeing him at his worst, multiple times. They didn’t really talk about it, Zach knew about his arrangement with Bryce for a safe place if and when he needed and Zach had helped him with little things. Keeping a supply of painkillers in the locker room for him when he really needed them, running interference on the rest of the team and Coach, even a very awkward trip to a beauty store followed by a night spent in front of a mirror learning how to apply concealer for bruises he couldn’t hide or explain away._

_Zach kept a running tab on him, worried when he went missing for a few days, and went out of his way to brighten his day when he really needed it. He tried his best to help Zach with anything he could but the other boy was so fiercely private it was hard. Still, he did get a smile when he left candy in Zach’s locker or went over to ‘help’ babysit May._

_“It was-well not as bad as yours I’m sure. I’m just looking forward to the year starting. I need to get out of the house.”_

_Zach nodded understandingly and said no more. Neither of them did but they didn't need to. The silence between them was comfortable, brotherly even. He felt strangely safe and content with Zach holding him and he thinks Zach feels happy to be doing it. He doesn’t really keep track of how long they are like that but it must have been a while because several people come over to say goodnight before heading out. Maybe he should have felt embarrassed that a bunch of them saw Zach holding him but they were all pretty fucked up and won’t remember in the morning. He assumes he doses at one point because he wakes up later when Zach moves. He forces his eyes open but his mind is groggy, he realizes almost everyone is gone now and there are only four people left, him and Zach, Bryce is gathering some stuff up on the other end of the poolhouse and Jeff is leaning over them, shifting them to be laying down. He opens his mouth but Jeff hushes him and gives him a silly, warm smile and tosses a blanket over them._

_“Go back to sleep Foley, and thanks for this. Zach-he missed you a lot over the summer. I think he might have needed this.”_

_He feels he should defend himself but from what he doesn’t know so he follows Jeff’s advice and goes back to sleep. As he’s nodding off he hears a content sigh from Zach and thinks maybe Jeff is right._

“My mom broke up with Seth briefly for the first few weeks of the year I guess. I spent a lot of time with Bryce and Zach and it was good except that...well Bryce was more different. I don’t know what happened that summer but he was even more girl crazy, meaner too, and to me. It was usually kept playful but-anyway his offer was always open and I used it a lot following my mom and Seth getting back together but...Bryce was just not the same. I-I think maybe he had moved on from me and that-that hurt. I tried to-to make myself better to him. Tried to win him back. But I was already a jock and popular and well the only thing I was missing was a lot of sex so...well I’ll let you figure it out. It didn’t work and it ended when I started going out with Jess, we were exclusive. I-I guess I didn’t really understand until that night at-at Jess’s party.

_“And she begged me to continue but like come on, six times in one night, what kind of slut is that desperate? Even I was running on fumes at that point.”_

_The room laughs at hearing Bryce’s latest encounter but Justin doesn't really think it’s all that funny. Monty of course laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard and that more than makes up for him._

_Except it doesn't. “What’s wrong Justy? Not amused?”_

_He smiles and shrugs, “Sorry Bryce just not that impressed, like six times? That all?”_

__Bryce and the others laugh but then Bryce replies, “What? You and Zachy do more last month? You did sleep pretty late the next day”_ _

_  
_

_“What?” At the same time he asks, so does the rest of the room._

_“That night at the party you two seemed pretty comfortable, you’re saying nothing happened when you two were all alone for hours?” The voice is teasing but he has the sinking feeling that Bryce might be testing him. The look in the other boy’s eyes confirm this isn’t as playful as his tone is._

_He isn’t sure what the other boy want to hear so he lets a smile break out, the same one that could cause a all the girls in a hallway to swoon and make all the boys wish they were him, and says, “C’mon Bryce, sometimes you got to cuddle with your bros, it isn’t gay as long as you say ‘no homo’.”_

_The other guys in the room laugh and Bryce smirks a little. He can feel his heart racing as he waits to hear if he pacified the other boy._

_“I’m just sayin you two looked pretty cute together, not a sight I plan to forget. And hey if you are homo, that’s cool, we don’t judge but damn, taking advantage of a lonely Dempsey is pretty fucked dude.”_

_With those words Bryce somehow manages to make him sick. He’s heard them before, or at least the same message. Bryce has a picture of them from that night. It shouldn’t bother him, the picture should mean nothing but...it could. Bryce could blow it way out of context, it wouldn’t be the first time._

_The implication about him taking advantage of Zach though, that made him feel dirty, sick, and angry. Of course, yelling at Bryce now would be a bad idea so instead he replies, “I wouldn’t ever-not to Zach or anyone else.”_

_“Aww Justin, it’s okay we always knew you were a girl at heart. I’m not sure Zach’s your type though, and I think he’s into tits but hey, there are plenty of eligible guys for you.”_

_The room breaks out into laughter and they don’t feel the tension between him and Bryce but he does, and understands. Don’t cross Bryce and there are no consequences to pay. The threat hurt, a little, who it come from hurt a lot more and for a moment all he could do was look at Bryce. The other boy laughed and called the rest of the group off but he felt a sad realization of just where he stood with Bryce._

“That year I learned that what I had with Bryce when we were little was gone and for a while it hurt like hell but eventually it stopped. I still loved him and I just came to realize he didn’t love me as much but I was still important to him, I thought. We settled into a routine where we were friends, his door was still always open and, it got better. I still always wanted more but I resigned myself to not and...and that was that. I know you hate him. After what he did, well I know why you do and you must think I’m a coward for-for not hating him but I just can’t. I don’t love him. That’s over and I know he’s a monster or whatever you want to call him; he probably deserves it. But you didn’t know him when I did, how I did, before he became whatever he is.”

Clay opens his mouth and then closes it, opens it again and finally says, “Justin-I guess I didn’t know. I always, I don’t know I assumed it was-wasn’t as deep as this.”

Justin looks at him with watery, exhausted eyes. He looks weary, not tired like he’s just played a game of basketball or even got through with a hard final tired, this is a emotional, mental, and maybe even physical empty and Clay feels conflicted. He never thought at any point in his life he’d feel anything other than simmering disdain for Justin, then the tapes happened and he couldn’t see a future where he didn’t outright hate the other boy, and then the trial, and Jess, and the trip to Oakland and Justin living with him and Clay still hated him through all of that. But he needed Justin’s testimony and then the conversations with Hannah and Justin pulling him out of his darkest places and tonight, at Bryce’s house. Justin had stopped him, came for him. And maybe Justin, maybe someday Justin would be more than the house guest he never wanted.

He sighs and pulls Justin into a hug again. There’s a bit of squirming but not a lot. He’s surprised at how easily the other is consenting to being held. He doesn't cry again, he just kind of leans on Clay and shivers every once in a while. It’s sort of sad, how the other boy curls against him. He takes a chance and brushes a hand through Justin’s hair. He stiffens and Clay thinks maybe he overstepped and doesn’t even know why he did it. He doesn’t care about Justin, but then why is he holding the other boy, in his room, on his bed? Why does he think of Amber Foley and hate her despite not even knowing what she looks like and why does he think of Bryce and hate not just the monster that raped Hannah and Jess and more, but also the one who hurt the already broken boy now lying with him? He tries again, brushing Justin’s hair, and this time the other boy relaxes and he continues doing it.

He doesn’t think he’ll get any answers tonight, he’s too exhausted himself after the gun and Bryce, and then hearing all this.

“See? Maybe he isn’t the monster you made him into.” She’s sitting on the couch Justin usually sleep on, one leg crossed over the other looking at both of them adoringly. Figures she’d be here now to not be helpful, at least she isn’t repeating tape 12 again.

“You-made him into the monster. The tapes, remember?” He feels this shouldn’t even have to explain this to her.

“I put him on the tapes but I never thought he was a monster, just someone who never got a fair chance to be anything because he never learned right from wrong.”

“He knew right from wrong, he knew what he did was wrong. He’s an ass, nothing more.” Even as he says it he knows what she’s going to say and he’ll deny it but he wonders if part of that is just going through motions.

“If he’s just an asshole and nothing more than why are you cuddling with him?” 

“I need him safe and happy so he doesn’t try to run away again and stays to testify.” It sounds hollow to him. Looking down at his sleeping, impromptu roommate, he wonders if maybe things had been different, he had met Justin all those years ago and not Bryce, if things could have been different. If they could have even been friends. The thought is absurd though, Clay Jensen and Justin Foley friends? He feels bad for the other boy, that’s it. 

He tells himself this several times as he maneuvers both of them to be laying on the bed and pulls the blankets over them. A warm body to help keep the nightmares away might be enough, and if Justin happens to benefit from the arrangement...well that’s a coincidence and nothing more.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after watching and re-watching the scene of Bryce and Justin as children and not being able to understand how how a that Bryce could be so promising but also be the monster we know from the rest of the show. In order to understand it for myself and it seemed to me that Clay would not be able to understand it either. I think he would be most likely to confront Justin following the confrontation outside Bryce's house. I think Justin would also be most likely to answer after this because he was obviously shaken up by it too. So what began as an attempt to answer the why and how Bryce became a monster as well as Clay's question of why Bryce inspired such loyalty in his followers ended in this. It follows them from after their first meeting we saw up to just before Hannah moves to Crestmont, which if my timeline is correct, is the beginning of most of the casts sophomore year. 
> 
> So this has been up since I first started here and I looked back at it the other day and realized that the formatting was totally wrong so hopefully this fixes it.
> 
> I apologize for any inconsistencies, I tried not to bed cannon but I'm also sure I failed at least a few times. On that note, one potential error I am conscious of deals with Bryce's age. A lot of what I've read assumes he's the same as the rest of the cast so at the end of season 2 finishing his junior year. But he is 18 to the rest of the cases 17 and also comments to Zach that his new school isn't taking all of his his credits and he'll see Zach on the football field. These made me think he is a year older, a senior who should have been graduating but is now repeating his final year. I went with this for my story and I'm sorry if it's incorrect.
> 
> A quick note on the layout of the story, this is two in one. The first story is Justin's narrative to Clay and he second is a series of Justin's memories which will be in italics. The reason for this is twofold. The first is that a major theme of the story is how different stories have different truths even when about the same thing. The show uses flashbacks to communicate these to the audience but the characters not involved in these flashbacks often remain ignorant of them. I tried to replicate this here with the flashbacks and the other reason ties in. I think Justin would feel to embarrassed about some of these memories to tell them to Clay and therefor wouldn't be able to tell him all of the emotions associated with these memories.
> 
> I wanted to thank anyone who's read this far on the story and the note. I loved love to hear what all of you think so please leave me comments, let me know what you liked or didn't like or anything else you feel like telling me! If any of you really like my writing you'll be happy to know I'm working on a series of loosely connected drabbles about Justin and Zach that I'll probably start posting after Christmas.


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